Today my daughter, Xan calls up one of her buddies to wish her a Happy Birthday. I had seen said friends Mom in town yesterday and she told me that today was her birthday. Well come to find out said friend is having a Birthday Party and Xan was not invited. Said friend's Mom felt pretty awful about the whole thing. She is a yacker and went on and on about how bad she felt. Finally I had to tell her that I had to get off the phone and take care of my daughter who's feeling I could tell where hurt.
Poor Xan. She has a broken heart because she is feeling left out and not liked. Poor Me. I have a broken heart because Xan's feeling were hurt. I want to make it all better for her. I want her to be well liked and feel secure in her friendships. I don't want people to blow her off and have her feelings hurt.
We talked. Xan expressed how that in the last month her friend has not been returning phone calls and has snubbed Xan when she has seen her in town. Xan cried and went upstairs to be alone. She came down later and when I asked her how she was doing she said that it felt really good to say out loud how she had been feeling about her friend. We got Xan on the phone and called around and got her a playmate for this afternoon. Someone that she really wants to play with summer and our schedules haven't worked out. So all seems good. But is it? Xan has a few friends in Saratoga and less here on Lopez. All my buttons are being pushed. Are we doing the right thing? Do we need to move back to Lopez , like yesterday, so that she can get involved in the public school so that she can socialize? My baby is lonely and I don't know how to fix it. What a crappy situation!!!! Because we were gone from Lopez for four years she lost all the connections that she had with other kids her age and the reintergration for her has been challenging. Artie remembers all her old friends as they do her but Xan was only 4 when we left and remembers none of her old playmates or they her. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!!!! I worry for my children's' well being.
No one told me that with mothering came such intense emotions and the desire to slay any mere human that would cause my children emotional turmoil. Maybe I need to heed the cliche that rolled off my tongue yesterday like dew off a petal..."Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger". Loneliness, not belonging, feeling like no one likes you, these are all feelings that we all have at all stages of our life. I can't make these things not happen or the hurt to go away...I can only let her know that she's a good person and well liked by more than the few and help her to love herself.
I am going to buy her an address book and let her get the addresses of all her friends here so that while we are away she will keep in touch and keep the friendships going.
Parenting is a difficult task and somewhere along the line I lost the directions!