Thursday, September 28, 2006

I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS

We have decided that we are staying here in Saratoga Springs for the winter. Not a choice that we particularly like but one that we are comfortable with. Things are not going to well with my mother-in-law's estate and we need to stay to be on top of the situation. For a few weeks I have been chirping into Michael's ear that even if things got worked out by November that would mean that we are driving through two major mountain ranges in December with a bus and a van with cargo trailer attached. I was having concerns! So we decided on the eve of Rosh Hashanah that we take this choice into our own hands. We took my sister-in-law out of the equation (we don't want to be making choices based on feeling backed into a corner) and we choose to stay and see this estate stuff through. We plan on leaving in March or April when it will be safer to travel.
Next comes the part where we tell the girls...
Xan is fine, she's got good friends here and is rooted. Artie, who promised me that she would get on a plane willingly the next time I told her to, is not fine. She doesn't want to come back to NY. She's got very good and compelling reasons not to come back here. She has a job working in a day care center (her very first serious job), she has friends, a good home with our friends, she's teaching herself her homeschool stuff, the adults on Lopez take her seriously and don't treat her like just another teenager (like here in Saratoga).
I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS!!!
Damn, sometimes I just don't want to be the Mommy. I want to be VICTORIA THE DICTATOR and just tell everyone exactly what they are supposed to do and they do it. It's a nice fantasy. I comfortable wishing for this. OK, I'm not.
So, Michael and I have many heart to heart and private conversations about our oldest and what is the situation that we can figure out that is going to serve everyone.
AND THE COMPROMISE IS:
Artie is getting on a plane sometime in December and we promise to have her back on Lopez sometime on or before
April 1st. That way she gets to keep her job at the day care center. We could just say, :"Ha, Ha, April Fools" when the time comes. Fuck....we're just not like that.
This means that she is only here for 3 months. I was hoping to have her all spring and sign her up for some groovy classes at the local colleges. She is interested in metalsmithing, and glass work, and wants to learn stage make-up. I wanted to offer these things to her in WA this past summer but we all know that didn't work out. We had found a great stage make-up course in Seattle. What now? What now....all I got was a pissy compromise that serves her better than it serves me....
I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS.
I'm not done hands on parenting. This was not how I saw my #1 chick leaving the nest. I don't want to be selfless and put her needs first. I want to stomp and cry and have me a major hissy fit. I want the time back that I've lost. We had no clue that we were not going to get home this summer.
I REALLY DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS.
Trying to get pregnant is fun, being pregnant is ethereal, giving birth is a state of grace, babies are warm and fuzzy, toddlers are a crack up, little kids are fun to banter with, kids are humorous, puberty is to be taken in stride, teenagers are great to hang with....
and entering womanhood is like trying to push an elephant through a keyhole.
I feel like I'm on the merry-go-round of life and trying desperately to kiss her on the forehead everytime I pass by.
I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS.

1 comment:

Jane_hates_Dick said...

((Hug)) I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling... BUT, you are being a good mother. You are doing everything in your power to keep your family intact, yet allowing your oldest to spread her wings and begin her launch into adulthood. Good job, mama.