Monday, January 07, 2008

Shall we take a ride?

I hope that all my friends had some joyous holidays.
I wish you all a warm and hunker-down winter full of hot soup and roasted root vegetables.
Food is always on my mind. You too?
Anybody who knows me (or has seen me) knows that I am a large woman. My children tell me that I have a Goddess figure. For me being over weight is sort of a triumph. I grew up with the constance influence that the only thing a woman has to offer is her looks. In high school I was thin. Believe me not before that! I was a chubby kid right up until middle school. Magically I got taller and thinner. "Wow!" I thought, "I am acceptable now. I can fit in."
What a load of crock that was.
A few years into high school and I was bulemic. When I see pictures of me in my high school year book I look puffy and unwell. My mother would tell me stories of all the laxatives that she had taken in her lifetime to loose weight. I've worshipped the porcelain queen more than any bad frat boy I know. I was bulemic from the middle of high school until I was 25. It was such a part of who I was. I was so convinced that my total worth was the figure that I carried.
Over the years that I have gone from a size 6 to a size 20 (and I have no idea how much I weigh) I have learned that people are able to like me for me not my body image. It's been a liberating experience to be liked at size 14 and still be liked at size 20.
Lately I have been feeling fat. Over Christmas I bought my first size 20. Is that my wake up call? Have I put on too much weight, I think so friends. I feel winded too easily, I think. I think that it is time to get more exercise and start cutting out some fats. So this year I want to get into shape. Not necessarily loose weight but to exercise more and slow down, cook my own meals (do that anyway), and truly appreciate what I am eating.
My coming out of winter, out of hibernation, resolution is to make my blog more personal. To truly share what I am feeling and to make intimate connections with my friends. I am a very internal creature. I share more intimacies with myself than any other human. I don't feel lonely just not connected to others. My childhood was sad and truamatic and my defense was to be with myself and share my feelings with me. It's time for me to break yet another cycle of my past.
I've spent weeks having a personal discussion with myself about who I am and what I want. It's time to share all that is going on with me with all my friends.
So be prepared, I want to talk about my marriage, my weight, my politics, and my life. I want to share this one time trip as ME with some people other than myself.
Shall we take a ride?


Jane_hates_Dick said...

I'd say I'm buckling my seatbelt, but I have a feeling I'm about to climb on the back of a Harley. So... putting on my helmet, let's go! Wheeeee!!!

madre-terra said...

Bless you!!!