Tuesday, April 01, 2008

...for all the world to see my secrets.

This is called a "What's on your mind?" bowl. So that whatever you put in it is what's on it's mind.
What's on your mind?
For me it's the thought of getting one of my wisdom teeth pulled on Thursday. I've been having a hard time with my sinuses and come to find out that the roots of one of my upper wisdom teeth are infected so out that sucker is going to come.
I know that lots of people have a hard time with dentists. I think for most of them it is the sounds of the drilling. For me it is having to open my mouth for long periods of time.
It's the emotional fall out from being an incest survivor. I'm a former tooth grinder and I've graduated down to a jaw clencher. It's the result of way too many years of holding a big secret. A whopper. Don't be too surprised or feel sad for me I've been out of the closet for years. When I first starting talking about my incest and doing therapy it was my whole identity. I think that I walked around my world with a big neon sign over my head that said, "Hey how are ya? I'm an incest survivor!".
Last night I was at a get together with my weaving class and I was telling everyone about not wanting to get my tooth pulled and everyone was assuring me that it was no big deal until I explained to them how it was a big deal for me. One of my weaving friends looks me in the eye and told that she, too, is an incest survivor and understood completely. We understood each other completely in that moment.
Once, years ago, I was at an audition for a commercial. The casting director came out to check on all the women waiting for their turn and started talking about this court case that was happening in NYC. Apparently a woman killed a man after he had broken into her apartment and he was in the process of raping her. The prosecution was claiming that since she had left her window open this man had not broken in. Yeah this is true. The casting director then asked how many women in the room had been raped. There must have been 20 or so of us and about 7 of us raised our hands.
I knew all those women completely in that moment, too. And in case you are wondering, it was my worst audition ever. That women brought up so much shit for me and I was the next one that had to go in there and be excited about whatever stupid product it was that I was there to shamelessly promote.
But I ramble.
I am going to the dentist on Thursday and getting my wisdom tooth pulled. I am hoping that it will give my sinuses a break and in return my sinuses will give me a break. I am also hoping that I don't have to sit there too long with my jaw open for all the world to see my secrets.


Patience-please said...

Well, Victoria. I understand. In the whole sense of the word. And, I don't like the dentist either. Did you ever have a dream where you were trying to talk and all your molars kept tumbling out of your mouth into your hand?

I'll be thinking of you on Thursday.


William F. Renzulli said...

I love the "what's on your mind bowl"! A great idea.