I have been feeling very still.
The air is still, my heart is still, life is still. I am caught in a moment between arrival and arriving.
I am in mourning for Godiva. Everyday I miss her fat waddle and goofy stare.
I think I have survived the speed bumps and am feeling some of my 'self' return. I just turned around to see Ethel doing round flips chasing her tail. Since Godiva has passed she has been sitting on our laps and purring (a thing that she has not done in the past). Loss followed by a bit of joyous wonder.
We have totally lucked into renting a small house that is right next door to our house. Did I tell you that already? It is good to be in our own space. I had an altercation with our landlady and members of her family at our other place and it left me feeling so very misunderstood and frustrated and not welcomed. It was a crummy situation to end up in during my first week here. Dealing with my feelings of being misplaced, not really knowing anyone, loosing Godiva to her new adventures, and then having our landlady being very harsh with me has left me feeling still.
As a child I would sit in my closet and have long talks with ghosts. Usually while sneaking a smoke. Even in my most troubled moments I have known that I am not alone. As an adult I consult with my spirit on a regular basis. Without the smoke.
I have decided (during my long conversations with self and spirit) that it is good to be still and feel all these feelings. To step back and be self-involved and introspective. And even if it is good or not it is what I have been doing.
Today Xan and I shall start homeschooling. Last week we went to two homeschool events here in town and met some very nice people, I volunteered at the Krispy Kreme Donut Fundraiser for Xan's chorus, and on Halloween Xan and I dressed up and gave out cookies shaped liked witch's fingers to our neighbors.
I think that I am stepping out of the closet turning back to tell myself to hold that thought till the next long conversation.